I got to the office, just in the nick of time. I was worried I was going to be late, but that didn’t happen thankfully. I went to this appointment by myself as Jon couldn’t get the time off work. Even more so than the last time, I knew what to expect. I was both anxious and excited to see if by body reacted differently to clomid this cycle.
I got called to the back where the nurse took my weight and blood pressure, the usual drill. My blood pressure was a bit high, which makes sense, since my nerves were getting the best of me. After another quick blood pressure reading I was sent to the ultrasound where I waited for just a few minutes before the doctor made her way in.
She was very pleasant, and asked how I was doing, which was nice because Doctors can normally come off very clinical. She started with the lining, nice and thick, just what she wanted to see. I guess the thicker lining during the baseline ultrasound hadn’t caused any problems, thankfully. Then she made her way to my right ovary, a few small follicles that were hard to see and nothing worth measuring as the wouldn’t mature in time for the drop, the egg drop that is (haha). Next was the left ovary, this one was the winner, with at least three follicles. However, only one measured high enough to make the drop, at 14mm. As mentioned in another blog post, the want to follicle to be 18mm prior to triggering. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed and I was hoping the clomid would produce more follicles, and mature ones at that. While I didn’t express my disappointment she must have seen it on my face. She assured me that the clomid had done its job. That typically menstrual cycles that are over 35 days don’t result in follicles that drop eggs and that the follicle I had looked good.
She asked if I wanted to have my insemination on Monday or Tuesday. I explained to her that Jon had already taken Monday off of work to be there, but if Tuesday was better we would make it work. I wanted to give this egg time to grow! She suggested Monday afternoon, and I agreed. Although on the way home, I second guessed my decision. More on that later. She explained that we would need to administer the trigger shot at 8am on Sunday morning. I asked if there was anything I could do to help the egg move along in it’s maturity and she suggested a good diet, and to stay away from harsh chemicals such as bleach. Will do Doctor, will do!
I got dressed and met with the nurse once more to schedule the insemination and go over any last minute instructions. We scheduled the insemination for Monday at 2:30 pm, with the nurse practitioner who had performed our previous insemination (the Doctor would be out that day). She quickly went over with me the trigger shot instructions, day of instructions, handed me my paperwork and away I went.
I filled my prescription and made my way back to work and that is where it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to second guess my decision, should I have pushed to have the insemination take place on Tuesday instead of Monday? Would that give it time to mature further? Would this hinder the success? Why did my body only produce one mature follicle on clomid? I was getting into my feelings and letting my thoughts consume me. Infertility will do that to you, you will second guess every decision you have made or will make. You will ask yourself if there is anything you did in your lifetime to cause this. You will question why your body hates you and can’t just work like everyone else’s body. It is just part of the process. I slowly brought myself back to reality and reassured myself, that things are okay. I have one follicle, that is normal. The Doctor, who again happens to be the Chief of infertility seemed positive. There is nothing else I can do except hope, pray and do my part which is showing up to the appointments, taking the medication as scheduled and try to keep myself calm. All I can do is my best. That’s it. Somethings, some situations are just beyond your control and you have to understand that.
I am doing my best not to let thoughts in my head bring me down and I will do my best to stay positive.
I ask that you continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
I will end this blog with a prayer that I have found helpful in times of despair, the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
One more thing! I found a useful article that breaks down what follicles are, and how they work if you want to take a gander.