I apologize in advance if this feels redundant. I know you’ve heard this before, but I’ve felt this before. These posts are just as redundant as the feelings I feel almost every day. Please try and understand that this blog is a place for me to share my feelings and connect with people who may feel the same way. It is a place to share our story to those who are interested. Thank you for listening…
My heart aches because of my empty stomach. My empty stomach is not because I am hungry but rather my empty stomach is because my baby that was once there is no longer. And my baby is not no longer there because the baby is in my arms but my baby is no longer there because I lost that baby along the way.
Today the grief is hitting me, harder than it has in a couple of weeks. I think the unnecessary stress I am dealing with in other aspects of my life is making my tough shell that much easier to penetrate. That strong woman who puts everyone and everything ahead of herself, some of that because it is easier to focus on other things than her own problems, is starting to lose her strength.
I think it is also difficult because everything is coming together so perfectly. See our new home will be done in January or February which happens to be the time our beautiful baby would have been born. And that room that was supposed to be baby’s will sit there empty. We can only hope that it will someday be filled with baby’s little brother or sister but nothing will cure the ache in our heart for the baby we never got to hold.
The daily pregnancy announcements and baby pictures make it especially difficult. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am so happy for you, really I am but those announcements and those pictures remind me of my baby. I compare your due date to mine, your milestones to those of the could have been for my baby. I try not to be envious or jealous, it is just so hard. I thank God everyday for the opportunity to have been pregnant. To have had our baby for the time we did, however short it was. I make sure to tell our baby how much I love them everyday and I look forward to the day I get to see our baby in heaven. I pray to God to bless us with another pregnancy. A healthy, viable, full term pregnancy. But with every month that passes since our miscarriage I get more and more discouraged. Was that our one and only shot? Will this ever happen again for us?
As much as I try to stay positive and put on that happy face… As much as I am so thankful for all of my blessings… I have those days where I just feel defeated, the days I sit and cry seemingly out of nowhere. Losing a baby never gets easier. Some days are better than others. To all those ladies out there that are struggling with infertility, I feel your pain. To those husbands out there that are mourning along with your wives, I understand what you are going through. This is a difficult journey, one that no one deserves. I pray for you, for us, that someday, hopefully very soon, we too get our miracle.