I have to say that the two week wait this time around went so much more smoothly than last time. I can attribute it to the fact that we have been through this before and therefore we knew what it would be like and which feelings to expect.
From the beginning of this cycle, we decided that we were not going to test early. Last time it really threw us for a loop and we didn’t want to experience those feelings this time around. However, the certainty of not testing early started to wane after getting the results of my progesterone test.
This time around I went to take the blood test early in the morning hoping that we would not have to wait so long to get the results like we did the last time around. We still had to wait, so I guess the time of day makes no difference, good to know. The good thing was that when we did get our results back, they were outstanding. The progesterone came back at 22.2 compared to last cycles measly 8.6. Of course after seeing the results we became “internet doctors,” doing copious amounts of research on what exactly that number meant and if it was an indicator of pregnancy. We found mixed results. I broke down crying, out of joy but also out of fear. I felt fearful because I could feel my hopes going up, and I did not want to set myself up for a let down.
I was able to make it a few more days before I just couldn’t take it anymore, I had to test. I started cramping, so I figured it wasn’t a good sign. It seemed as though Aunt Flo was on her way. So late in the evening, 10 days after our IUI, I broke down and took a test. I had bought a lot of them of Amazon last go round, so I had plenty. I waited the 5 minutes and looked at the test, NEGATIVE. It’s weird, after ten plus years of infertility you become almost numb to the disappointment. It is something you are so used to, that it doesn’t have a huge effect on you anymore. Anyway, I was okay, at least for a little bit before apologizing to Jon that I just couldn’t give him a baby. He of course assured me that he loved me, forever and that baby or not, I was everything to him.
The next morning I tested again, hoping for a different result as sometimes a day makes all the difference and again, I was hit with that BIG FAT NEGATIVE result. After that, I decided I was over it and not going to test the on any of the remaining days.
For the 10 days before testing, we had so much hope. So much love for baby. It was almost as if we were a normal couple getting to plan and day dream about our future child. We were sure he was a boy, we discussed what we would name him, talked about raising him and what morals we wanted to instill in him. It was absolutely beautiful while it lasted.
Monday came around and it was time to go in for the blood test. I was glad I at least had an idea of what to expect because it would have hurt to be blindsided by the results at work. I decided to go in an hour late to work so that I could get the test done early in the morning. At the lab, in the waiting room was the cutest baby girl and her Momma, just loving, playing, hugging and kissing. I thought to myself, I wonder what it is like to be a Mother. Will I ever know? I silently began to cry, as I waited to be called in. I got my blood test done and headed into work where I waited for the results. Around lunch time the results came in, and they were negative. Just what I expected.
Now what do we do? Two failed IUI cycles with no real reason as to why. I guess I should have figured since the success rate is only 10%. Jon and I took some time to talk about it and decided we needed a month off. After that we would need to figure out his work traveling schedule before we could plan a time to do it again, if that is what we decide. Who knows, we need time to process all of this.
Thank you for following along on our journey. When we figure out our next steps, you will be some of the first to know.