Do I really want this?  Of course I really want this!  The question is, at what expense?  Fudge (thinking another word in my head), why do I even have to deal with this?  It’s just not fair.  Almost everyone else in the world gets to have a baby with no ultimatum, but I don’t.

I know, I know, that’s not realistic, not everyone in the world is fertile, and everyone in the world deals with ultimatums at some point in their lives, but bare with me here, I am angry, frustrated and tired.  I mean I am allowed my irrational moments.  Infertility sucks, I said it, it sucks.  I don’t want it, I shouldn’t have to have it and I wish it would just go away.  Why me?

So there two main issues that contribute to “the great debate” – financial strain and potential pain (hey that rhymed and I didn’t even try), the former being the big one.  Financial strain is a given, it’s going to cost us money but we just don’t know how much and the pain, well after the horrible HSG Test, I am just horrified of what else is to come.

Financially, infertility hasn’t been too much to bear as of yet, we are about $3,000 in for our diagnosis and treatment.  It’s a lot, don’t get me wrong, but it could be so much worse.  I tend to think of the “what ifs”, for example, I know IVF is not on the table right at this moment, but to say I have not thought about the potential for that treatment in our future and the tremendous cost that is associated with it, would be an untruth.

To break it down, IVF runs anywhere from about $15,000 to $20,000 and all of that for something that is not guaranteed.  I think the best explanation and analogy that I have heard so far is one from a documentary called Vegas Baby (we watched it on Netflix) that highlights the struggle of infertility and particularly the IVF process.  They broke it down a little something like this… imagine you went to a car dealership to purchase a car, you gave them $20,000 for that car but there was only a 50% chance that you would walk away with the vehicle.  Would you do it?  How would that make you feel?  But this is much more than a car, this is a baby, this is a dream. Unfortunately, this is the cold hard reality that many couples face when going through IVF treatments.  There are just no guarantees, and how truly scary is that?

I am a self-proclaimed worrier, a worry wart some would say.  Jon says I tend to worry too much (read his perspective here), which to be honest, some would probably agree…. All too often, I think way too far in advanced at all the potential issues I may have to deal with.  I call it being realistic and being realistic makes it easier for me to deal with things if and when they actually happen.

In short, there are so many potential paths we could take and each comes with it’s own pros and cons.  Bottom line, I have this constant struggle, this great debate within myself all.the.time… and I am not sure it will ever go away unless of course our miracle happens.  To clarify, there is no question that I want a child, none whatsoever, it’s really just how far are we willing to go and honestly, sometimes I want to just throw in the towel and say you win, but I won’t, I am a fighter and I will keep fighting.