This is a very strong warning – there is no way to share this in a way that I feel will help others without being extremely graphic. This was a very traumatic experience but I want to share this for the people out there going through the same thing. I found some comfort in reading and watching videos about others who had gone through a similar experience. Let me be clear, I did not find comfort in knowing they went through this, of course not, but I found comfort in knowing what I should expect, so that I could brace and prepare myself for what was to come. If you don’t think reading about things like this, I suggest you skip this post. Proceed with caution…
We found out on a Thursday that our pregnancy was not viable and would result in a miscarriage and we opted to take Cytotec (Misoprostol) to bring on the miscarriage. This was an extremely difficult decision but one that was necessary. In a situation where you feel so broken and defeated, where you feel as though you have no control of the situation being able to miscarry on your own terms, in a comfortable place was necessary to our healing process.
I planned to take the Cytotec on Friday morning, and scheduled a follow-up visit with the OBGYN on Monday to make sure that everything had passed, otherwise I would have to have a D and C. Friday morning came and the feeling was a somber one. I thank God for Jonathan, he took the day off so he could of course morn himself, but I believe more so to be there with me throughout what would be a very traumatic experience. We started the morning off by going to get breakfast to go from one of our favorite spots and parked by the beach to eat and watch the waves roll in. We stopped to get some milk tea on the way home, I was obviously trying to eat my feelings away. I took the first of set of three pills on the way home, which was about at 10am. It took everything in me to put those pills in my mouth and swallow. Even though I was not obviously doing anything wrong, the internal struggle inside me was crippling. I couldn’t help but think I was doing something to hurt my baby. This would end the pregnancy I so desperately prayed for. I had to remind myself, that our baby was already in heaven.
Once we got home we began binge watching Colony on Netflix, we wanted something to pass the time and try to keep our minds off of what was to come. This helped, but didn’t keep us from breaking down throughout the day. The anticipation was horrible. I kept waiting for something to happen not knowing what to expect. I started to feel some pressure a couple hours in but nothing unmanageable.
It was time to take the second dose of three pills. By this time it was about 2pm. After the second dose everything changed. Soon after, I started to bleed and the cramping intensified. At about 4, it had gone from bad to extremely worse. If you have read our blog for a while now, you know that I have never been pregnant and certainly never experienced the pain of labor but if I were to describe the feeling of miscarrying, it would be what I think is very close to laboring. The big difference being that you don’t get your beautiful baby at the end. I was in so much pain, the cramping was so severe, I felt lightheaded, nauseous and feverish. The only thing that brought me any relief was sitting on the toilet. I couldn’t sit on the sofa, lay on the bed or stand, all of it was just too painful. I sat there on the toilet sobbing with a trashcan near by in case I needed to vomit and a fan directly on my face to try and cool myself down. For an hour I dealt with this, Jon holding my hand through the door, us crying together through one if not the darkest times of our lives. In hindsight I should have let Jon in the bathroom with me, so he could sit next to me, but for some reason I was just still so self conscious of the sight of what was going on. I felt my body bearing down, and then I felt the sac pass, soon after another big piece of tissue passed as well. It was absolutely one of the hardest things my body and my mind has ever had to endure.
After I passed the sac the severe cramping stopped but the bleeding continued. I was left with an empty heart and an empty body.
The rest of the night Jon and I sat on the sofa, held each other and just cried. We talked about our baby, about where our baby was, about what we had hoped for and what we would never have with this baby.
After taking the final set of three pills we did our best to try and get some sleep, so mentally and physically exhausted from the horrible day.