The weekend following the miscarriage was rough. Not so much physically, although I was still bleeding and had mild cramping but definitely emotionally. Jon and I could not go more than a couple of hours without breaking down. We spent the weekend sharing our sadness and doing our best to try and console each other.
Jon and I took Monday off from work, knowing we would have to go to the OBGYN for our follow-up ultrasound in the afternoon. The bleeding at first lightened up but then got much heavier as the appointment approached. We checked in for our appointment, and waited and waited to be seen. The last thing I wanted was to be there and then to have to wait on top of that all was just so frustrating. Seeing the pregnant women was heartbreaking knowing that, that dream had been been ripped away from me. I was finally called to the back and seen by the OBGYN. She asked how I was and what had happened during the miscarriage. She then proceeded with the ultrasound and at this point I was just hoping I would not have to have a D and C. Luckily, if you want to call it that, I had passed the pregnancy tissue and all that was left was blood that my body needed to pass.
After the ultrasound was over, she quickly mentioned that she may want me to take another set of pills, but I shied away from that. The last thing I wanted to do was go through more pain. She let that go thankfully. I then asked all the questions I could think of, the ones my mind couldn’t focus on during our last appointment. First was how long would I bleed? Up to a month is what she told me. Then, when could we try to get pregnant again? She explained that I needed to let my body heal from the miscarriage and one regular menstrual cycle before trying. She mentioned August. Lastly I asked about the results of my pregnancy intake appointment blood work. She explained that everything came back great. All levels were normal, and I tested negative as a carrier for any abnormalities that could be passed onto the baby. I was relieved to hear that as I hope that in the future we are able to get pregnant again.
Before we were about to leave, she did mention one final thing. In the midst of the sorrow of our miscarriage she proceeded to tell me, for a longer amount of time than she talked about the actual reason I was there, the miscarriage, that I was overweight and that I should consider taking one of Kaiser’s nutritional classes to help with the problem. First of all, one hundred percent, wrong place, wrong time. Second of all, had she not even looked at my chart? If she had she would have seen that I have been consistently losing weight since this time last year, in fact I have lost about 100 pounds. Am I still overweight, yes. Am I still working on losing weight, yes. Is an after miscarriage appointment the the right time or place to be pushing an issue that doesn’t need pushing, no. After I got dressed and went to check-out, the nurse proceeded to again push the issue, telling me that just a 10% weight loss can help me get pregnant. How insensitive could these people get? It didn’t stop there, oh no. Then she proceeded to call the nutritional class appointment center and handed me the phone so I could set-up the appointment as if I couldn’t do it another more appropriate time if that is what I wanted to do. I straight up told the lady on the phone I was not ready to make the appointment at this time and then left. I have to say I was so disgusted by the way this appointment was handled, for the lack of empathy these people had and for the aggressive manner they approached something that did not need to be approached during this appointment.
As for the physical effects after the miscarriage… well as of writing this, it is the Thursday following our miscarriage, so it has been almost one full week. I still have heavy bleeding, severe cramping and I am still passing large clots. I can’t wait for this to be over.
Emotionally, I am tired… I haven’t gone a day without crying. I think about our baby often. I wonder why this happened to us, why we would be given our miracle just to have it ripped away. I don’t understand but have faith that God has a plan and will bless us again.
I hope that we never have to endure this again, I really do. If it were to ever happen again, I am not sure that I would take Cytotec again. The pain was excruciating and the recovery time is extensive. If I could do it all over again, I would probably opt for the D and C. While invasive, it is a quick procedure with a shorter recovery time and it would have allowed us to send the tissue off for testing so that we could have figured out what went wrong but also what gender our precious baby was.
I hope you are reading this in support of us and not because you have or will be going through this yourself. If you are or have gone through this, my heart is with you. I am so, so sorry.