I wanted to write about a topic that doesn’t get mentioned very often. That is, the feelings of the father after a miscarriage. Please note, I am going to write my thoughts and feelings as they come to me, also I’m going to add and remove things as I see fit. So, I apologize in advance if what I write is disjointed.
Sitting next to Angie as the doctor said she could not see our baby, I felt as if whatever invisible strands of control between my mind and body were severed. I sat there for what felt like an eternity in an infinite expanse of beige-walled numbness until our doctor’s voice snapped me back to reality. Looking back, I don’t even remember what the question was, something about our schedules maybe.
They say grief has strange effects on people: My already sharp temper has been honed to a razor- thin line of patience. I find myself crying at seemingly random times, but in retrospect, there are certain things that will get me. For example, I might hear a particular song or see a picture and the memory of all of our plans, our conversations about how our baby would look, act, speak, what his or her (we had a feeling our baby was a “she”) first words would be, our plans for how to raise our baby, our late night discussions of whether our baby would be a fighter, outspoken or quiet, come flooding back instantaneously.
I see how much Angie is hurting and I feel powerless to help her. I think a lot of us men want to protect our wives in any way we can. But against this, our strength, our stoic-faced silence in the face of hardship, is about as effective as a painting of an ocean in the face of a wildfire.
But I want to tell you that sometimes, being there is exactly what she needs. Be a pillar of strength, support her if she stumbles, back her if she feels cornered, raise her up when she falls. You already know she will do the same for you. The two of you can get through this together, but you need each other. Always remember, it will never get easier, but you will get better at enduring it.
To anyone reading this as an outsider looking in. Understand that both he and she are going through an unbelievably difficult time. Us guys can’t understand what it must feel like for our wives or girlfriends who are going through a miscarriage, we know the hormonal changes and the physical and emotional pain are there. We also know we both just lost a baby, our hopes and dreams for our little one flew away, like a butterfly fluttering away into the sky.
Father’s Day for me is a bittersweet experience. I know our baby is watching us from heaven and knows our love. I just wish we could have shared that. I hope our baby knows that we did everything we could. For me, Father’s Day is a reminder of what could have been, but knowing now that we can get pregnant is what gives us hope.