Here we are again, a place we never wanted to be but before I continue let me say I hesitate to write this because there are people that will relish in our pain. Maybe that is why I have been absent from this platform which used to be a very big part of my healing process. Anyway, I have to get back to what helps me and not worry about the rest. To those of you who get pleasure out of our pain (you know who you are), bad things come to those who are terrible people, remember that.

It started out Monday, November 2nd with a pregnancy test. I hadn’t started my period yet so I decided why the hell not let’s just try it expecting the same result I had gotten the last 9 months or so, which is negative. But again, I was surprised, it was positive! I couldn’t believe it, we had been trying for a little less than a year and nothing had happened. I quickly searched for the onsie I’d been holding onto in hopes this day would come. It said Hello Daddy. I threw it in a bag with the positive pregnancy test and some tissue paper an ran over to Jon. He couldn’t believe it either and we stood there embracing, joyful and so thankful.

This was finally going to be our time. After the last two miscarriages, God wouldn’t be so cruel as to let it happen again. Not when we were finally settled in our house with everything just perfect for our baby.

I knew how this worked, I was a little more than 4 weeks along and probably wouldn’t be able to get in to see the OBGYN for a while. It was just too early. I did call the next day and basically tried my hardest to convince them to see me early given my situation. They agreed to see me on the 16th about two weeks away. I took it, but I was nervous.

The next couple of days were blissful. I prayed ALL the time asking God for this pregnancy to be different than our other two. I got a little concerned when I saw a small amount of light pink and brownish discharge but read it was normal and tried to keep positive. Then Thursday evening on the 5th after going to the bathroom I noticed bright red blood. I swore this was it, it surely was happening again. Jon and I cried and cried thinking it had all been taken away yet again. The next morning I woke up fully expecting a pad full of blood but nothing was there, no blood at all. This certainly isn’t how it usually goes, I mean by now I am miscarriage pro (not trying to be funny). I took another pregnancy test and it was a darker positive than the day before. All was well, I couldn’t believe it.

I had been taking pregnancy tests everyday up until that point and continued to do so to reassure myself everything was okay.

For the next couple of days I tried to stay hopeful but I was scared, so scared. I prayed literally every time I went to the bathroom. I practically begged God to let this pregnancy go well, to protect our baby. Jon and I decided that I should put myself on bedrest. Jon took care of everything around the house. He cooked every meal, did all the laundry, all the housework, I mean he did EVERYTHING. He literally is the best Husband and Daddy, he would do anything for us.

Monday rolled around and the spotting continued. It wasn’t consistent but it was there. Luckily no bright blood the entire weekend but that was short lived. Monday mid morning it happened again. I called the OBGYN crying, desperate for them to let me come in, I was willing to do anything to save this pregnancy. They were so kind to move up my appointment to that afternoon.

In the age of COVID things are different and Jon could not wait with me or be in for any of the visit other than the ultrasound. Thank God he was able to be there for that. We held hands as they began the ultrasound waiting for terrible results but that’s not what we received. They saw the gestational sac, it was exactly where it needed to be. In fact it was as far up as it could be according to the tech which was a very good sign. I asked so many questions. Was the bleeding normal? Yes. Can you see the baby? No, it’s too early. I was only measuring about 3.5 weeks which seemed odd but she assured me from her point of view that everything looked okay. We were so relieved. We definitely thought after the spotting and two bouts of bright red blood this was not going to end well.

Jon had to leave and I was taken to another room to see the Nurse Practioner. When the nurse came in she again assured me that the bleeding was normal and that 3.5 to 4 weeks was about right considering when we had last had intercourse. They certainly know more than I do so I finally felt at ease. I asked for progesterone and was given the prescription. From my infertility clinic days I learned that it can assist in preventing a miscarriage so it was the extra assurance I wanted. I got some labs done, scheduled our next appointment and we were on our way. Baby’s due date was going to be Jon’s birthday based on their calculations. What a gift.

We were so excited. The OBGYN was confident that everything looked fine. We just figured this pregnancy would be a bit different than the other two but maybe that was a good thing. We had talked about waiting to share the news until we were further along but we were just too excited and honestly, I wanted all the prayers. Surely the more prayers the better. God couldn’t listen to all these prayers and let this happen again. So we posted it, we got so many well wishes, congratulations and promises of prayers. Our heart was full.

I stayed on bedrest just to be safe. Like I mentioned before we were willing to do anything to keep this pregnancy. Jon and I began planning for baby. We had a feeling it was a boy this time. We talked about the nursery, the backyard play set we wanted to get, how we were going to raise him and so much more.

The next day which was Tuesday we got the notes from our visit. It mentioned that I had a corpus leteum cyst which thinking back the ultrasound tech mentioned. I did my internet research and I convinced myself this was the reason for the bleeding and spotting. It just made sense.

Wednesday we got the results from our HCG and it was wonderful news! 731 such a high number but along with that came questions. Apparently the doctor thought the same thing because the doctor asked me to come in that afternoon for another blood test to check my HCG. I knew something was off, 731 is indicative of a 6 week pregnancy but I was measuring only about 4 weeks. I tried to stay positive but it was hard. Jon and I prayed before bed, asking God to save this baby.

Then Thursday, mid day the office called. I could tell from the sound of her voice things were not good. I’ve dealt with this crap long enough to know when bad news is coming. She said, “sorry honey, but your HCG dropped to the 100’s (she was more specific but I don’t remember honestly).” I knew what that meant, we were losing this baby. I got off the phone as quickly as I could after scheduling an appointment for Monday. Jon and I just sat there crying, not understanding why God could possible allow this to happen a third time.

I can say without a doubt that my faith has never been more rocked then it is right now. I just don’t understand how with all the prayers, our prayers, the prayers of friends and family, the bedrest, the progesterone, the perfect situation (a home, loving parents) that God would allow this to happen.

Knowing that nothing could be done to save the pregnancy I got out of bed and got things done around the house, cleaning, cooking, decorating, etc. I needed to keep myself busy.

And over the next couple of days it happened. I began to miscarry. My nightmare repeating itself. It’s just so unfair.

We needed time to process which is why it took a few days for us to share. I’m sorry I feel like I’m letting all of you down.

Where we go from here I just don’t know. All we know is what currently is happening is just not working. We want to see an RE but our insurance no longer covers infertility so all of that cost will be out of pocket. That’s a big commitment and on top of that we are in the midst of a world wide pandemic so that doesn’t help. But as much as I want to take a break, time doesn’t stop in middle of tragedy. I’m 33 now, time is running out. We can’t wait any longer if this is something we want to happen.

Recurrent pregnancy loss. It’s my new infertility diagnosis. Did you know that only 1% of couples experience 3 or more losses? Yeah, we are 1%.

Thank you for your love and support as always. Honestly I am not sure how I am still here other than I’ve always been the pick yourself up and continue on type of person. Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.