I am walking through Marshall’s, one of my favorite places, and there right in front of me are racks and racks of discounted baby clothes. I walk a little further and there sitting right in front of all the mugs is one that reads “Mom to be.” As I walk into my RE’s office (Infertility Doctor) there is at least one pregnant person sitting in the waiting room every time. As I scroll through Facebook, I come across at least one pregnancy announcement, pregnancy update or article about a celebrity’s pregnancy. On the radio, I hear it, on the TV, the same thing. When looking at homes, we have to decide whether we really need a two bedroom or not. Will a one bedroom suffice? It seems everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I hear, almost every decision I have to make, it reminds me that I am an infertile person. I am an infertile person living in a fertile world. I am reminded of that at least twice a day.
Now let me clarify, am I bitter? Yes. Am I jealous? Sometimes. Am I happy for other people? Yes. I don’t mean to take anything away from anyone else. I am so happy for those of you who have been blessed with the gift of parenthood. I hope you have successful pregnancies, and beautiful healthy babies that grow up to be wonderful people but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me sad. Sad that I don’t have those things, that I may never have those things.
Imagine all the things you dream of when you find out you are expecting. Those are the things I only dream of, the things any infertile person dreams of. The feeling of a growing baby inside of you, hearing their first cry, consoling them after falling and scraping their knee. Sending them off to prom, or walking them down the aisle. The idea that these things may never happen for an infertile person, well that is just a hard pill to swallow.
I think Hilarie Burton said it best in one of her posts on Instagram.
As some of you know, @jeffreydeanmorgan is off in Europe getting ready to do some big conventions. And he’s self aware enough to know his track record for “spilling the beans” isn’t so great (bless his heart!). So before he starts tripping up in an attempt to maintain our privacy, he asked that I go ahead and post something about our little girl’s birth.
But before I do that, there’s something I really want to say to all the women out there who are trying…..
It took a long time for Jeffrey and I to have this baby. The first time I got pregnant, it took a year and a half. I surprised him on Christmas with baby Seahawk booties. We cried. We celebrated. We picked out names. And we lost that baby.
More losses followed, and as so many couples know, it was heartbreaking. It still is heartbreaking.
And every morning of the five years it took us, I’d open my computer at the kitchen table and see the news and I’d grow bitter over the endless parade of celebrities showing off their bumps and babies. I’d weep out of jealousy for how easy it was for them. Didn’t they know something could go wrong? Didn’t they know that there were other women out there struggling? It pained me to see the corporate sponsored baby showers and magazine covers capitalizing on this human miracle that wasn’t happening for us.
So when this pregnancy started, we were cautious. I didn’t want to celebrate for fear of jinxing it. I didn’t want a baby shower. I checked her heartbeat every day, up until the day she was born. And now that she is here, I just stare at her in wonder all day. I see her in her daddy’s arms and I don’t take any of it for granted. She screams bloody murder and I smile because she is so wildly alive.
So now that folks know she’s here, I don’t want her birth to cause any other woman to weep at her kitchen table. If anything, my wish is that she would restore hope for others. Fertility is a fickle thing. And for the other couples out there who have had dark days, we want to introduce our miracle baby to you and send you our love and support in finding yours.
Please meet George Virginia Morgan. She was born February 16th. Her daddy delivered her. We love her very much.
Please, don’t take this the wrong way. I am so happy for all you fertile people out there, just as you are probably sad for this infertile person here. Like in many situations, the world does not stop when you are going through something painful or difficult. Each person has their burden to bare, this just happens to be mine.
Until next time, love to all of you and thank you, thank you for following along on our journey.
2 Comments Add yours
Gosh, I absolutely love that instagram post. Thanks for sharing. Can really relate to what you have written.
So so sorry that you are going through infertility too. Fingers crossed for your miracle baby!