I don’t want to sound rude, or disrespectful because SOME of the time people have good intentions in what they say BUT there are just certain things that may not be obvious to someone not going through infertility that you should absolutely not say to someone who is.
I wrote about this in another blog post but let me reiterate here.
There are certainly some obvious things not to say however they have been said to us:
So called infertility
- A former close friend referred to our infertility as our “so called infertility.” He basically said you are not infertile you just haven’t had a baby yet. This is never okay to say. Never refer to someone’s infertility as “so called infertility,” “supposed infertility,” “you were infertile,” etc.
- Even if/when someone has had a baby after struggling with infertility, they are/were still infertile, don’t negate the journey it took to get where they are.
Why do you keep trying?
- A family member thought is was a wonderful idea to ask us why we even keep trying after two miscarriages. This is not something you should ever say to anyone about anything. It is rude and disrespectful number one, and number two well we keep trying because we only hope to have a child like a majority of people in the world, that’s why.
You can’t even do what a natural woman can do?
- Another one from a family member, can you believe it? This one was purposely cruel from someone mentally ill so I won’t get into it but please don’t say this to anyone.
Then the not so obvious things you shouldn’t say:
It’s God’s plan/God has a purpose
- I know this one comes from a good place but it is NOT helpful at least for us and I suppose for others. Think of it this way, to think that God’s plan is for someone to be infertile, not have children or experience miscarriage once or multiple times is horrible. I hope to God, literally, that he would not be so cruel as to have that plan.
All in God’s timing
- Again, coming from a place of love, but to think that God’s timing is to make me wait an indefinite amount of time before having a child while allowing other less deserving (drug addicts, child abusers) to have a children is again very cruel.
It’s not God it’s the Devil
- I’m sure it’s coming from a good place but it makes me think well that’s wonderful, glad to know God is letting the Devil wreak havoc on my life.
We can never understand why God does what he does
- You’re right and that makes it even more difficult.
Please be sensitive when you are trying to comfort someone struggling with infertility, until you’ve been in their shoes you have no idea how hurtful things you say maybe especially when it comes to God.
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Similar to God’s plan “It will happen when it’s supposed to” or “everything happens for a reason”. Oh really? Please feel free to enlighten me… what is the “reason” my sons are dead? (I mean I know the *literal* reason… an infection leading to premature rupture of membranes, but obviously that isn’t what they mean).
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I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, those too! Sometimes I think people don’t think before they speak. I don’t understand how people can think that’s comforting. Ugh!