Note: This was written right after our second failed IUI. I debated as to whether or not I should post this, but this is what infertility is and I wanted to be honest, real and raw. I am okay, and I will get through this, in fact I am feeling much better now, than I did when I wrote this about 2 months ago. So with that said, here we go…
I am sitting here with all these emotions going through my head. They are literally sitting here with nowhere to go. I know I have to get these feelings out, and this is my outlet. So welcome to this clusterf*ck.
I have to say that this failed IUI cycle, which is our second one, was particularly difficult to deal with. I don’t know why, all I can attribute it to is because this is the second failed cycle or to be completely honest, maybe it’s because I feel like there is no end in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel per say. Now, looking back, I really should have taken the day off of work or worked from home because my emotions were all over the place. Of course, I am sure it didn’t help that Aunt Flo was right around the corner. And that my friends is another big F-U of infertility. I’d say it goes a little something like this:
Body to Angie: Um yeah, you didn’t get pregnant…. AGAIN. Sorry, not sorry. Well I do have a consolation prize for you. Here you go! 🤣😆😁
Angie to Body: Yeah, well F-U too. Thanks for nothing…. AGAIN!
Dealing with the disappointment never gets easier. As much as I try to pretend it does, it doesn’t.
Anyway, beyond the disappointment is the feeling of failure. As a woman, my duty is to bear children, to procreate and as of yet, I haven’t been able to do that. Often times, I think to myself that I want my Husband to leave me, to find a woman who can bear his children because I just know he would be an amazing Father. He tells me I am ridiculous that although children would be a nice addition to our family, I am all he needs. I still feel like he deserves more than I can give him.
Then there is God. It is hard not to think that he hates me. That because of something I did somewhere along the way, I am being cursed with the being barren. I know it is an irrational way of thinking, but sometimes it seems that, that is the only explanation. I constantly go over in my head how I have prayed so hard for this baby, literally begged God to bless me with this miracle and nothing, no baby. I just don’t understand. Does God not trust me to be a good parent? I mean there are all these other women who don’t deserve to be Mothers out there that have gotten that opportunity. The one I only dream of. I rationalize with myself on the regular, I try to be a good person, I give to others and I have repented for my sins. So why God, why haven’t you answered this prayer? I don’t get it.
The questioning comes next. Did I do something to cause this? Maybe it was this, maybe it was that. I literally go over ever decision or choice I ever made and wonder if any of that contributed to my infertility even though again, that’s not rational.
I am angry, so angry. I did not sign up for this life. I did not sign up to be infertile. I have so much love to give a child or children, but will I ever get the opportunity to pour that love into my babies?
I apologize, I know this post was all over the place. I just needed somewhere to put everything I was feeling.